The Milkman
by The-Magnificent-Jiggy-Sock
Summary: Jerry thinks his girlfriend's british accent is fake, George starts to act tough after calling someone a scumbag, and Kramer and an insane milkman restart a dance troupe they had in the 80's.


**THE MILKMAN  
**

**ACT 1  
SCENE A**  
  
_OPENING CREDITS_  
  
**Int. Nightclub**  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Whatever happened to the milkman? You always see those old movies where a guy in a perfect blue suit walks up your house in the suburbs, places a bottle of milk on your doorstep. He doesn't even ask for money, he's like the tooth fairy of milk-giving. (pauses) I wonder if they ever have meetings in secret underground bases, where they just talk about giving out milk. "Ok milkmen, we have a problem. We've been giving out milk for 60 years and we haven't gotten any money yet! This underground base isn't going to pay for itself!"  
  
**ACT 2  
SCENE B  
**  
**Int. Jerry's Apt.**  
_Jerry is sitting on the couch flipping through the channels on the TV. The door swings open and Kramer walks in wearing a suit. Jerry looks up in surprise at the suit._  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Hey. Looking sharp.  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Oh, the suit. Pretty snazzy, huh.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Where'd you get? Men's Warehouse.  
  
**KRAMER  
**  
Nope.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Macy's  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Way off.   
  
**JERRY**  
  
I give up. Where'd you get it?  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
The morgue.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Oh dear Lord pull the cord. Are you serious?  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Yeah, they're practically giving away all of this stuff down there.   
  
**JERRY**  
  
Well I can imagine why.  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
You know, they've got some clothes down there that might fit you. You might want to go and take a look before all the nice stuff is gone.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Nah. I'd prefer not to wear a shirt that was worn by a dead crack addict.  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Well, suit yourself.  
  
_As Kramer heads for the door, George storms in  
_  
**GEORGE (furious)**  
  
Well you're not going to believ- (He notices Kramer's suit). Hey, nice suit.   
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Sure is. And I got it for less than twenty bucks.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Really? Do you think you could get me a few?  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Sure.   
  
**GEORGE  
**  
Alright, I'll come over to your apartment in a few minutes.  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Ok. I'll just go put a pot of coffee on.   
  
_Kramer exits the room_  
  
**JERRY**  
  
So what's the matter with you?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
I'm in way over my head Jerry, way over my head.   
  
**JERRY**  
  
You're always in over your head.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
I know, but this time there's a few inches above me. I'm drowning!  
  
**JERRY**  
  
It can't be that bad.  
  
**GEORGE**   
  
I just called Carrie a scumbag!  
  
**JERRY (in awe)**  
  
A scumbag!?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Yeah!   
  
**JERRY**  
  
Are you Charles Bronson or something!? No one ever calls someone a scumbag.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
I know, I lost my head for a second. We were fighting about the differences between catsup and ketchup and I snapped.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Ooh, the catsup is always a killer.   
  
**GEORGE**  
  
I should've known better to mess with condiments.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
So how'd she take it?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Well, right after I called her a scumbag, she took the ketchup bottle which had started the fight and hit me over the head with it. Then, she ran into the bathroom, leaving a trail of ketchup behind her.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
That's not good.   
  
**GEORGE**  
  
And then I didn't want to confront her, so I took her car and drove away.  
  
**JERRY**   
  
You stole her car!?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
I didn't steal it. I borrowed it for a little bit.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
You're just full of surprises.   
  
**GEORGE**  
  
I figure I'll just take it back and pretend I accidently took her car because I thought it was mine.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Are you going to tell the cops that too?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Relax. She won't call the cops.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
You know, those were Manson's last words on the outside world.  
  
_Kramer yells from outside_  
  
**KRAMER (O.S)**  
  
Hey George, are you coming to talk about the suits or not. I'm a very busy man!  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Well, I'll see you later.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Make sure you say hi to Carrie for me. Maybe steal a rug from her for me. I could use a new rug.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
I'm taking the car back! I'm not stealing it!  
  
_George Exits_  
  
**ACT 1  
SCENE B**  
  
**Int. Carrie's Apartment**  
  
_Carrie, George's new girlfriend, hears a knocking at the door. She opens it and finds George standing there._  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Oh hey, I was just in the neighborhood and I just stopped by to say hi.  
  
**CARRIE**  
  
What do you want George?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Well, in all of the hustle and bustle of this morning's events, I accidently drove off with your car. I came back to return it.   
  
**CARRIE**  
  
You stole my car!?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Mistakenly took it. I thought it was mine.   
  
**CARRIE**  
  
Didn't you notice it was mine when you got inside?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Yeah...but by that point, I was already inside, and I just said what the hell. A car's a car.   
  
**CARRIE**  
  
Ok, give me my keys and get lost.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Actually, can you give me a ride back home. I had to drive your car back here, so aha, I have no way of getting back.  
  
_She takes the keys away from George and slams the door shut_  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Ok. Nice chatting with you.  
  
**ACT 1  
SCENE C**  
  
**Ext. Outside Jerry's Apt. Bld.**  
  
_Elaine's obviously in a good mood. As she walks down the sidewalk to Jerry's apartment, she hears birds singing sweetly in the air. A car splashes water at her, but it misses her completely and hits a random guy walking by._   
  
**ELAINE (Thinking)**  
  
What a great day. The bird's are singing, the sun's out, that homeless guy over there is wearing pants.   
  
_She bumps into a man in a blue suit, who turns around and gives her a cold stare. She notices he's carrying a rack of milk._  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Oh. Sorry.  
  
**MILKMAN**  
  
No you're not.  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
No, it was my fault. I wasn't looking.  
  
**MILKMAN**  
  
Are you scared to look at me? Do I represent the lower rung of society!? I'm a human too!  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
You're just a guy carrying milk around!  
  
**MILKMAN**  
  
What, scared of the milkman! I'm not the boogeyman, I'm just a guy that loves making people happy!  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Please, just leave me alone!  
  
**MILKMAN  
**  
Yeah, just ignore the milkman. Let him go off into the gutter and die with all his milk.  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
What are you talking about! I said I was sorry!  
  
**MILKMAN  
**  
And I'm sorry I bumped into you, your majesty.  
  
_Elaine runs up the stairs to Jerry's apartment building  
_  
**MILKMAN**  
  
Yeah, you run away from your fears!  
  
**ACT 1  
SCENE D**  
  
**Int. Jerry's Apartment**  
  
_Jerry is pouring himself a glass of milk at the counter. Kramer is ironing some suits he got from the morgue._  
  
**JERRY**  
  
I don't understand why you have to iron your suits in here.  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
These suits reek of death Jerry, I can't have that in my apartment!  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Well thanks for bringing them here. I love the smell of rotting flesh.   
  
**KRAMER**  
  
You make fun of me now, but wait until you see how suave I look in these things.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Maybe you'll get lucky and get a suit James Bond died in. That'd really make you suave.   
  
_Elaine stumbles into the apartment, almost in shock._  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
I just had the strangest experience. (She sniffs the air) What's that smell?  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Death.  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Did you kill a guy in here?  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Ah, it's these suits. I didn't have enough quarters for the washing machine, so I haven't cleaned them yet.  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
What? Did a guy die in them?  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Yeah.  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Oh. That would explain it.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
So what about this crazy experience you had.   
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Oh yeah. So get this. I'm walking out in the sidewalk in front of your building, and I bump into this milkman.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
A milkman? I didn't even know that was a real job.  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Apparently it is. So anyway, I say I'm sorry, but then he goes off on this wild rant about me hating him or something. That guy was a complete wack job!  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Oh, you mean Larry?  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Larry? You know that guy!?  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Yeah, Larry Kollonowski. I used to be in a dance troupe with him. But then he hurt his leg doing the splits and became a milkman.  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
When were you in a dance troupe?  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Oh, this was back in the 80's. We were young and crazy back then.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
The thought of people paying money to see you dance doesn't make sense to me.  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Well it should make sense. We played to sold out shows every night. We were on the way to the top, baby!  
  
**JERRY (Sarcastic)  
**  
Yeah. I'm sure you were.  
  
**KRAMER  
**  
Hey is Larry still out there? I haven't seen him for years.   
  
_Kramer runs out of the room_  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Hey, are you doing anything tonight?  
  
**JERRY**  
  
No. Why?  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
There's this girl I want you to meet. I think you'll like her.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
No way. Dates set up by friends never work.   
  
**ELAINE**  
  
This one's different. She's british.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
What does her nationality have to do with anything?  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
I don't know. But she's a comedian too. You two would really hit it off.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
I don't know...it seems risky.  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Why don't you and George have a double date? He can take Carrie.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
George and Carrie aren't seeing each other anymore. He called her a scumbag.   
  
**ELAINE**  
  
What? Does he think he's Charles Bronson or something?  
  
**JERRY**  
  
That's exactly what I said.  
  
_George enters the room, he looks like he's just ran across the entire city_  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
You won't believe what just happened to me.  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Did you declare a death wish on someone, Mr. Bronson?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
You told her?  
  
JERRY  
  
I had to. It was too funny to keep secret.  
  
**GEORGE  
**  
Whatever. I have to tell you what just happened. I was walking home after taking back Carrie's car when I heard this low growl behind me. At first I saw it was some type of dog, maybe a pit bull or a doberman.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Ah, the pit bull. Man's worst enemy.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Would you mind?  
  
**JERRY**  
  
So sorry maestro.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
So I figure that this dog wants a piece of me. I turn around and I give it this intense glare. Honestly, this look would've killed a man.  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
You stared down a dog? It sure takes a big man to do that.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Wait, I'm not finished. So it turns out this dog belonged to a vicious gang. They begin to circle around me, holding various weapons in their hands. But I don't show fear, because as soon as they know you're afraid, they strike you down.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Of course, you would know all about gang psychology.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
I know I have to act fast, so I pull my hands out of my pockets and I crack my knuckles. I look over to the leader and I go "Hey, you wanna piece of this? Because this ain't a free lunch". The gang just kind of looked me over, sweat dripping off their faces, and they walked off.   
  
**JERRY**  
  
Jeeze. First you call someone a scumbag, then you stop gang violence. You're turning into Dirty Harry.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
You really think so?  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Well, you've got a little less hair and a little more weight. You're like his out-of-shape cousin.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Yeah...you're right! Maybe I should start carrying a gun around!  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Why stop there, why not just kill a guy.   
  
**GEORGE**  
  
I've been weak for too long. It's time for some vengeance!  
  
_George quickly walks out of the apartment_  
  
**ACT 2  
SCENE A**  
  
**Int. Nightclub**  
  
_Jerry is doing his standup act_  
  
**JERRY  
**  
I always love to watch cop movies because they're always so predictable. There's always that cop who's a loose cannon, and he always has a stern but loveable chief. And then of course, there's the obligatory "You're off the case" speech, and then the cop has to take the law into his own hands. I want to see a movie where the cop isn't kicked off the force. Maybe even congratulated. "You did a good out there, Harry. You shot a nun and blew up an orphanage, but you got the job done. Here, take this huge hat. You're the pope now."**ACT2  
SCENE B**  
  
**Int. Jerry's Car**  
  
_It's late that same evening. Jerry has taken Elaine's advice and has taken out the British comedian, Karen Owens. They're sitting in his parked car outside her apartment.  
_  
**JERRY**  
  
I love using electric toothbrushes. It makes me feel like I'm in the future.  
  
**KAREN (In thick British accent)**  
  
I guess it kind of does.   
  
**JERRY**  
  
That's some accent you got there. Where are you from, London?  
  
**KAREN**  
  
No, Liverpool.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Ah, Liverpool. The city that's neither a liver or a pool.  
  
**KAREN**  
  
...Yeah.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Want to hear my best British impression?  
  
**KAREN**  
  
Ok.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Cheerio mate, tea time for mumsy. I'll sweep your chimney for six shillings. I have to go take the lift up to my flat and have some crisps.   
  
**KAREN**  
  
I don't think anyone's talked like that for 100 years.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
They should. If I go to England and no one talks like a loveable street urchin, I get a little disappointed.  
  
**KAREN (Suddenly talking in American accent)**  
  
Oh dammit. Look at the time, I have to go.  
  
_Karen steps out of the car. Jerry's mouth is wide open, shocked by the accent change._**ACT 2  
SCENE C**  
  
**Int. Jerry's Apartment**  
  
_Jerry's pouring himself a bowl of cereal when Kramer slides into the room. He's wearing a tight spandex suit and a sweaty pink headband is tied around his forehead_.  
  
**JERRY**   
  
What's with the suit, Baryshnikov?  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Me and Larry got the Dance Troupe back together. We've just been practicing all morning.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
You're actually starting to dance again? I thought you were joking.  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Why would I joke about my dancing!? It's my life, Jerry!  
  
**JERRY**  
  
You haven't danced in 10 years. How do you expect to just jump right back in it?  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
That's like asking Superman how he flies. It stays with you your whole life, it's like a sixth sense to me!  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Don't drag Superman into this mess. He's not a dancer.  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Well maybe he should've thought about it. He had the moves.  
  
_George enters the room_   
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Hey Kramer, did you get me those suits? I need them for a job interview.  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
I sure did buddy. They're in my apartment, I'll go get them.  
  
_Kramer exits the room  
_  
**JERRY**  
  
So where's this job interview?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Well, you know how you told me I was like Charles Bronson?  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Yeah.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
I applied to be a security guard!  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Really?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Yeah, down at the glue factory. I'll get to carry a taser, a billy club, everything!  
  
**JERRY**  
  
I don't think Charles Bronson was a guard at a glue factory.   
  
**GEORGE**  
  
That doesn't matter. What matters is that I get to intimidate people, I finally get a chance to act tough.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
At a glue factory?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Jerry, you wouldn't believe the type of stuff that goes on down at that factory.  
  
_Elaine enters the apartment. She immediately walks up to Jerry._  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
So how was your night with Karen? Was it magical?  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Well, it was magical until I learned she was using a fake accent the entire time. She's a phony!  
  
**ELAINE  
**  
Fake accent? Her accent's not fake, she's from Liverpool.  
  
**JERRY  
**  
I distinctly heard her say a sentance in an american dialect.   
  
**ELAINE**  
  
You must've misheard her. She really does have an accent.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Can you prove it?  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
I've heard her talk many times. She always has the accent.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Maybe that's what she wants you to think.   
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Why would she fake a british accent?  
  
**JERRY**  
  
She doesn't need a reason. She's crazy!  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
That definetely sounds crazy.  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
You're the crazy one. She definetely has an accent.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
You know how you find out?  
  
**JERRY**  
  
How?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
I can, you know, intimiate her and scare the truth out of her.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Then right after that you can pull out a magnum and blow her away.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
It was just a suggestion!  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
I'll ask her myself, then we can settle this whole stupid thing.  
  
_Kramer enters the room with two grey suits._  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Here you go, Georgey boy.  
  
_Kramer tosses George the suits_  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Hey Jerry, can I change here. I have to go straight to the interview after I lea-  
  
_George notices the smell of the suits._   
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Kramer, why do these suits smell like a cemetary?  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Oh, well they're straight from the morgue. I had no chance to wash them yet.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
You bought my suits from a morgue!  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Well yeah, where'd you think I was getting them?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
From a store! You know, where the suits aren't pulled off of dead corpses!  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
I guess we had a little misunderstanding.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
What am I supposed to wear to my interview now! My only suits smell like a rotten cadaver!  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Relax. You can take one of my suits.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Your suits don't fit me, they're too snug. I can't wear something snug, I get uncomfortable!  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Why do you have to wear a suit to this interview? It's not that important.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Not important!? I'm trying to become a security guard, you have to look intelligent if they're going to trust you with a taser!  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Just take the suits George. No one will notice the smell.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Fine... I'll take the death suit.

**ACT 2  
SCENE C**  
  
**Ext. New York Streets**  
  
_George is walking casually down the street in a suit that looks like it belongs in the 70's. A little kid walks up to him and starts to spray him with a water gun._  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Hey! You little brat, give me that!  
  
_George swipes the water gun away from the kid. He notices how realistic it looks, almost exactly like a magnum. He puts it in his coat pocket._

**ACT 2  
SCENE D**  
  
**Int. Office Room**  
  
_George greets Mark Raymore, the head of the glue factory._   
  
**MARK**  
  
Good afternoon George, have a seat.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Thank you.  
  
_George sits down in front of the desk_  
  
**MARK**  
  
So how are you today?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
I'm great Mr. Raymore.  
  
**MARK**  
  
I see you're interested in becoming a security guard. Any experience with that before?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
No. But I feel that I have my own special qualities for the job.  
  
**MARK**  
  
Okay. What qualities?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
I feel I'm really intimidating. I have a glare that could melt steel.  
  
**MARK**  
  
Really?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Yeah. Watch.  
  
_George closes his eyes for a second, and then opens them to reveal an intense stare.  
_  
**MARK**  
  
Wow. Very good, very intense. And....wait a minute, is that a gun in your pocket?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
What? Oh this, it's a toy.  
  
_George pulls the watergun out and holds it at Mark_  
  
**GEORGE (Doing a bad Clint Eastwood impression)  
**  
Go ahead. Make my day. Hahaha.  
  
**MARK**  
  
You're a loose cannon George, you can't bring a gun in here!  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
But it's a toy, sir!  
  
**MARK**  
  
Give me your gun. You're out of here.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
You can't take me out of here! I'm so close to getting this job!  
  
**MARK**  
  
I can't have you breaking the rules. There's law and order!  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Fine, I'll leave. But I'm going to go take the law into my own hands! Maybe start my own security company!  
  
**MARK**  
  
Get out of here Costanza!  
  
_George leaves the room. Mark sniffs the air._   
  
**MARK**  
  
Man, that guy's intense. Even his suit smelled of death.

**ACT 2  
SCENE D**  
  
**Int. Hallway Outside Jerry's Apt.**  
  
_Jerry walks up to his door and puts his key in the lock. He hears music coming out of Kramer's apartment, and then his door opens. Larry, the milkman, walks out._  
  
**KRAMER (O.S)**  
  
Nice dancing Larry. We're on the way to the top!  
  
**LARRY**  
  
I know. I rock.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Execuse me, are you that milkman?  
  
**LARRY**  
  
Yeah. You have a problem with that?  
  
**JERRY**  
  
No, I just have a question. Who pays you guys? I always see you delivering milk, but I never actually see you get any money for it?  
  
**LARRY**  
  
Oh. Wouldn't you like to know?  
  
_Larry walks down the hall_  
  
**JERRY**  
  
What's with that guy?

**ACT 2  
SCENE E**  
  
**Int. Jerry's Apartment**  
  
_Jerry enters his apartment and throws his jacket on the hook. Kramer follows in right after him, his spandex suit still on.  
_  
**KRAMER**  
  
Hey Jerry, do you have any gatorade? I need some after all that dancing.  
  
**JERRY  
**  
Check the fridge.   
  
_Kramer heads for the fridge  
_  
**JERRY  
**  
Hey, I was talking to Larry in the hall. He's a strange man.  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Oh, don't mind him. He's just really intense sometimes. You should see him when he's dancing, he's like a swan.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Well he should really take some anger management classes.   
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Jerry, don't be angry at him because he's a milkman.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
I'm not!  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Larry has to deal with so many people making fun of his job. He doesn't need you too.  
  
**JERRY  
**  
I'm not making fun of being a milkman. It's a very respectable job.  
  
_George enters the room_  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Hey, how'd the interview go?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Terrible. I scared him.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
You scared him?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Yeah, it was like something out of a Eastwood movie. I even had a magnum pointed at him!  
  
**JERRY**  
  
A magnum!?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Well, it was a watergun, but it was still very realistic!  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Who do you think you are, Charles Bronson?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Stop calling me Charles Bronson! I'm not that intense!  
  
**JERRY**  
  
I think you are.   
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Yeah, you have anger lines all over your face.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Really?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh yeah. You're stretching that skin.  
  
_As George goes to look at his face in the mirror in the bathroom, Elaine enters in a huff_.  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Oh thank god you're here Kramer! I need your help!  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Well, the k-man is listening.  
  
**ELAINE  
**  
Mr. Peterman wants to put ona talent show, but we don't have enough entrants! If this show doesn't happen, I can lose my job! You and that milkman have got to enter, your dancing is needed!  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
I don't think so Elaine. We're not ready.  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Kramer, I'll lose my job!  
  
**JERRY**  
  
You said dancing was like your 6th sense. You should be able to do this.  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Well...ok, but you owe me.  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Oh thank you Kramer, you're my saviour.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Hey, do you think I could enter the talent show? I can do my comedy act!  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Well...I guess.   
  
**JERRY**  
  
Hmmm...I'm hatching a scheme here.  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
What?  
  
**JERRY**  
  
If Karen comes tonight, I can allude to her fake accent in my act. I'll sweat her out, she'll have to come forward with her lie!  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Sweat her out? Are you a professional interrogator too?  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Why didn't I think of this before, I got her right where I want her!   
  
_George enters from the bathroom_  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Jerry, as a fan of schemes and decievery, I have to say your plan is genius.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Coming from a compulsive liar like yourself, I take that as an extreme compliment.

**ACT 2  
SCENE E**  
  
**Int. Talent Show**  
  
_Jerry, Karen, and George sit at a table in the audience at the talent show. A juggler is on stage, juggling plates.  
_  
**GEORGE**  
  
Phhh, plates. I could juggle plates. Why doesn't he juggle something with a challenge, like knives or fire.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Shut up!  
  
_The audience starts clapping as the juggler finishes his act. Elaine walks onto stage and up to the microphone._  
  
**ELAINE**  
  
Wasn't that amazing? All those plates. It was really something. Ok, our next act is the hilarious comedic stylings of Jerry Seinfeld!  
  
_The audience claps as Jerry walks onto the stage. Jerry gives a quick glance to Karen, giving her a mischevious grin._  
  
**JERRY**  
  
You know what I hate? Fake accents. They really are the worst thing in the world. In fact, if you use a fake accent, you might as well just jump off a bridge. I know a person who uses a fake accent. Or at least I think I do. They're such lowdown liars, they won't admit it!  
  
_Jerry watches Karen, who doesn't budge  
_  
**JERRY**  
  
I guess you could say that I know someone in the audience that has a fake accent, and they're just making things worse when they don't admit it to me.  
  
_Karen starts laughing at Jerry's act_  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Ok, whatever. This isn't working. Good night.   
  
_Jerry puts the mic back and walks back to the table._ _The only applause comes from Karen and George_  
  
**KAREN**  
  
That was an odd set Jerry. But still hilarious.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Yeah...I guess.  
  
_George leans in and starts to whisper to Jerry_  
  
**GEORGE  
**  
She's not budging. I'll give her an intense glare, that'll get her to admit it.  
  
**JERRY**  
  
What? Are you insane?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Trust me, my glare affects everyone.  
  
_Back on stage, Elaine is presenting the next act._  
  
**ELAINE  
**  
So put your hands together for 'Cosmos', a dance troupe like you've never seen!  
  
_Kramer and Larry step onto the stage wearing tight spandex and matching headbands._  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Good evening, and welcome to 'Cosmos', dancing that will take you to the stars!  
  
_Back at the table, George turns around to Karen and begins to give her an intense glare_  
  
**GEORGE (Thinking)**  
  
No one can ever survive the look.  
  
_Larry suddenly sees George giving the intense glare, which he thinks is directed at him, and stops dancing._  
  
**LARRY**  
  
Hey, you. You in the back.  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Who. Me?  
  
**LARRY**  
  
You making fun of me?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
What? No.  
  
**LARRY**  
  
So what if I'm a little intense? Can't a milkman be intense!  
  
**GEORGE  
**  
This intensity glare is directed at someone else!  
  
_Larry sees Jerry sitting next to him_  
  
**LARRY**  
  
Hey, you're that guy from the hallway. Did you put him up to this? Kramer said you thought I was intense!  
  
**JERRY**  
  
No, no. This has nothing to do with you. George's giving this stare to my girlfriend.  
  
**KAREN**  
  
What? Why me!?  
  
**GEORGE**  
  
Because Jerry thinks you have an american accent.  
  
**KAREN**  
  
What?  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Remember in the car, you started talking in an American accent!  
  
**KAREN**  
  
I was doing my best american impression. You were doing a british one, so I'd thought I'd join in!  
  
**JERRY**  
  
So you really are British?  
  
**KAREN**  
  
Yes!  
  
**JERRY**  
  
Oh...so how's the prime minister doing?  
  
_Back on stage, Kramer and Larry have begun to fight._  
  
**LARRY**  
  
I never should've come back to the world of dancing. I'm a milkman at heart.  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Don't listen to Jerry, you've got talent Larry! We can go to the top of the dancing world!  
  
**LARRY**  
  
I'm sorry Kramer. I need to be a milkman.  
  
_Larry walks off the stage as Kramer falls to his knees_  
  
**KRAMER**  
  
Larry! 'Cosmos' isn't the same without you! You're the swan! The Swan!  
  
_The credits start to roll..._


End file.
